The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.