The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
all that yoga finally paid off
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…