The internet is magic sometimes.
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.