The internet is magic sometimes.
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
i’m gonna allow it
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Human are so complicated
