The internet is magic sometimes.
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Nose
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie