The internet is magic sometimes.
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Home #decor warning.
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.