The internet is undefeated.. đ
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
In no functioning society should the sentence âSomeone stole my ape cartoonâ be followed by ânow my life savings are goneâ
Meow
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My 6 year old doesnât like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldnât stand in my way when I ride it
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand Iâd be legit conflicted for a second
âEvery action has an equal and opposite reaction.â
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
JeezâŚitâs like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Accidently used the word âhenceforthâ in my third graderâs book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakiraâs hips: YES!