The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
BETRAYAL
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix