The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Running from your problems is cardio .
HR said no more nunchucks.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
doing your own taxes
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine