The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Lassie, get help!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do