The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Seismologists are loyal to a fault