The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
fr
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.