The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Y’all ready for this
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Facebook memories be like
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now