Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

we all know this pain all too well

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died