Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38