The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
God has left this place
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Them: You shouldn’t hang around the wrong people..
Me: First of all I am the bad influence
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Stop making fast and furious movies.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.