The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
(True)
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Well, shit
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
#NeverForget
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: