the internet really was better 18 years ago
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
per my last wtf
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
journal
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….