the internet really was better 18 years ago
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‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*offers Batman cough drops*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.