the internet really was better 18 years ago
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Oh my God.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to