the internet really was better 18 years ago
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My favorite farside!!
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out