The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.