The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
All set.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
decorating my apartment
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.