Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?