Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

🎉🥳

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

😂😂

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.