The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus