The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Arrest that man!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house