Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop