The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
You Might Also Like
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
There’s only one good girl here!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*offers Batman cough drops*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
My safe word is Worcestershire
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.