The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
wut hotdog?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.