The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
6. me as a lawyer
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Did…did a minotaur write this
Woke up with morning Yule Log
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.