The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.