The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
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date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
tfw you realize …
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are