Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”