Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Air conditioning – not a fan
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The asteroid..
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉