The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
😬
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.