Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Mad Max: Furry Road

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.