{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.