{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”