[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
who wore it better?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’