Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

What a kind woman! 😂😂

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”