Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

That’s it.I’m out.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!