The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”