the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Sure. Why not?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I fixed it. For me
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail