Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.