Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence