The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.