Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.