Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.