[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds