The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL