The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You Might Also Like
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I basically called this earlier today
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Wise advice
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed