The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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SPLOOT
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Oops 🤭
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day