The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.