The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.