Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.