Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

the internet really was better 18 years ago

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels