[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.