[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
plums roundup
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me buying fruit and veg
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
much to think about
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.