THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into