THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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*ernest hemingway voice*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?