The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”