The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[eats all your cotton candy]
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Weirdly Wednesday.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
wow
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.