Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it