[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.