[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels