[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.