[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The Backseat Boys
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.