Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

My five year plan is a meteorite

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Yes my dude

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.