Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Ion see the issue