THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You Might Also Like
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
blocked.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Meow
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating