Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

My Plans 2020

I’m tired tomorrow.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?