The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is