The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days