The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
mom gave me mine for free
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
#CatsOnTwitter
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.