THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?