THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
That’s classic.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
wish me luck lads
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
I beg your pardon?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.