THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I am crying
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
